Beautiful...

I've completely stopped working on the Journaling For A Cause thing.  My reason for coming to a sudden halt?  The prompt for Day 17:  Focus on something beautiful.  Now, normally I don't have a problem with beautiful. Life is full of wondrous moments that seem to fling beauty all over the place. My children are beautiful.  Color and poetry and love and butterflies are all beautiful.  I could go on and on.  Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.  Really, I do like beautiful.  So what's the deal, right?

I'm completely uninspired right now.  The most beautiful thing I can possibly conjure up is the image that's currently bursting at the seams of my brain: Me in some kind of bent at the waist position (as to help push the words out faster and harder), screaming at the top of my lungs, all the things that I've been trying to bottle up.  I think the only reason "beautiful" seems to fit at all is because of the relief that seems inevitable after release.

So then, what am I waiting for, right?  Why not let it all out; scream, shout, and all that.  Who's paying attention anyway?  Right.  Then let's do a list, shall we?  Yes, let's.

Dear World and Everybody In It,
  1. I AM NOT PERFECT.  IAMNOTPERFECT.IAMNOTPERFECT.IAMNOTPERFECT.IAMNOTPERFECT.
  2. STOP PUSHING ME AROUND.  I'm tired of going as fast as I can, as hard as I can, as perfect as I can, as beautiful as I can, as happy as I can, for as long as I can.
  3. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF TRYING SO HARD.  I'm sick of not mattering.  I'm sick of words like "lovely."  Of pretending like everything's fine.  Of my broken brain and counting calories and feeling like I'm never good enough.
...

Where's my beautiful, beautiful releaseful feeling???  

Well, maybe if I could scream it...  But alas, there's still no room to scream.

How's that for lovely?